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The First Annual “FML” Awards

Woah. It’s almost the end of 2009. Whoopee. Three more years till apocalypse, according to the crazy people. But! What has this year brought us? A bunch of awesome music, that’s what! And what do we do with good music? We give it awards. Sorry, but I doubt Kanye West will interrupt someone accepting an award here.

So, here you have it, the first annual “FML” (Fuck My Life) Awards! Now, this will most likely end up being the longest post yet, with many categories that I’m coming up with as I write this! (What, you thought I put THOUGHT into these posts!?)

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CATEGORY ONE LOLZ: Best Music Video

Nominees:

  • Mastodon – Oblivion
  • Behemoth – Ov Fire And The Void
  • Cradle of Filth – The Death Of Love

… and the FML goes to…

Ov Fire And The Void!:

The music video accompanying this Behemoth single makes about as much as sense as Benjamin Franklin playing tether ball with Van Helsing, but you cannot ignore the fact that this is an amazing video. Beautiful direction, creepy atmosphere, and a heavy controversy over its following of the YouTube T.o.S!? Sounds like a recipe for awesome to me.

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CATEGORY TWO LOLZ: Strangest Album Art

Album art is an odd thing, and I’ve explained it before, so go find that post to hear my rantings.

The nominees are:

  • Mastodon – Crack The Skye
  • Breaking Benjamin – Dear Agony
  • Arch Enemy – The Root Of All Evil

… and the FML goes to…

The Root Of All Evil!:

Tell me what's going on here, and I'll give you $5. Not really.

I’m not sure if even Arch Enemy themselves could explain what the crap is going on here. A human skull with some form of disc-thingy going through it. Yea, good luck explaining that one. I’ll admit, Crack The Skye was tempting, and it almost took it. But goddamn, this thing just… wow…

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CATEGORY THREE: Band that no one has ever heard of, but everyone NEEDS to hear about.

This is the category no one wants to be in. These are the most underrated bands from this year, and they’re ones that all come with my highest recommendation, even if they didn’t take the top.

The nominees are:

  • Cage The Elephant
  • Alestorm
  • Epica

… and the FML goes to…

Cage The Elephant!:

"Snap out of it, dude."

While they certainly wont win the award for best looking band this year, Cage The Elephant is a rock/hip-hop group who recently emerged into the not-quite-spot-but-slightly-dimmer light after their single “Ain’t No Rest For The Wicked” appeared as the main theme for the video game Borderlands (Which you should play).  After listening to their album straight through, I discovered that they really are a very impressive group who should not be overlooked.

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Category Four: Best Death Roar

When one thinks of metal, they often think of roaring and screaming into a microphone. Whoever ‘they’ are, they think correctly. Most metal nowadays is populated by screaming, and these people scream the best.

The nominees are:

  • Nathan Explosion (Brendon Small) of Dethklok
  • Randy Blythe of Lamb of God
  • Nergal of Behemoth

… and the FML goes to…

Nergal!:

He's such a happy fellow.

This one was not an easy choice at all. Nathan’s crazy-ass screams that put the fictional version of Dethklok in the position of 7th largest Economy in the world are damned impressive, even if they are a parody band. But Nergal? He just rocks. Never before have I heard such power in one’s roar, and his voice makes Behemoth a heavy-metal band, not just a metal band.

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Category Five: Best actual singing voice.

Yea, death roars are great, but every once in a while, you want a voice you can actually understand. These are the best of these voices.

The nominees are:

  • Adam Young of Owl City
  • Hayley Williams of Paramore
  • Jacoby Shaddix of Papa Roach
  • Adam Lambert
  • Matthew Bellamy of Muse

… and the FML goes to…

Adam Lambert!: (Yes.)

He's hot, and you know it.

Yea, the pop-artist got it. But he (As well as the other Adam on this list) is one of the few genuine pop artists out there. His voice is pure, and isn’t fucked with at all by auto-tuning. His songs are fun and peppy, and really get stuck in your head easily. But what really makes his music is that amazing voice. Know it, love it.

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Category Six: Music to make your parents leave the room.

Come on, we’re all teenage rebels here! Every now and then, we just want our parents to GTFO. This is the music that you need to make it happen.

The nominees are:

  • Cradle of Filth
  • Dethklok
  • Behemoth
  • Marilyn Manson

… and the FML goes to…

Cradle of Filth!:

Hey, at least I didn't post the "Jesus is a c*nt" t-shirt design.

One would this that this is a category that Marilyn Manson would win without question. Well, no, Cradle of Filth won it. Why? Go listen to Cthulu Dawn, and when Dani says something about a seismic breach, the word ‘breach’ sounds like he threw up while saying it. That made my mom tell me to put on headphones on more than one occasion.

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Category seven: Worst Album

While there were many, many good things this year, there were also a lot of bad things. These are the absolute worst albums to show their faces this year.

The nominees are:

  • brokeNCYDE – I’m Not A Fan, But The Kids Like It!
  • Paramore – Brand New Eyes

… and the FML goes to…

brokeNCYDE!:

They just look like a pile of FAIL, don't they?

brokeNCYDE is one of the worst musical acts of the decade. I’m not sure how much crack they were smoking when they came up with the idea of a screamo-crunk band, but they did. And it’s awful. Lame songs that all relate back to fucking some chick at a bar, ear-piercing screams, and boring synths just make for something truly atrocious.

Now, I’d like to say something about Brand New Eyes. It wasn’t awful, by any stretch, but it was just… boring. Very boring. Also, it sounded exactly like Riot!, and that disappointed me more than anything. Riot! showed that the group has great talent, but they wasted it by just copying their own work in Brand New Eyes.

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Category eight: Album of the year.

This is not an easy category to choose for. All of these albums, and there’s a lot of them, showed what the group in question was truly made of. They’re powerful on all scales, and could easily rank as classic. Even though they wont. These are the best of the best, and lemme tell ya, this was not an easy decision to make.

The nominees are:

  • Five Finger Death Punch – War Is The Answer
  • Marilyn Manson – The High End Of Low
  • Mastodon – Crack The Skye
  • Dope – No Regrets
  • Behemoth – Evangelion
  • Epica – Design Your Universe
  • Owl City – Ocean Eyes
  • Green Day – 21st Century Breakdown
  • Adam Lambert – For Your Entertainment
  • Lamb of God – Wrath
  • Cage The Elephant – Self-titled

The winner of the FML album of the year, is…

Mastodon!:

Explain this one, and you really WILL get $5.

When No Regrets came out, I knew it would be my album of the year. But then a friend of mine introduced me to Mastodon, and I was blown away. Every moment of this album, every riff, every lyric, every snare- drum-tap, was one to remember. Crack The Skye is what could only be described as a musical masterpiece, and it will propel Mastodon way beyond anything they could have imagined with their previous three albums. If you haven’t heard Crack The Skye yet, you need to do that right now. Right. Fucking. NOW. I assure you; there isn’t a better metal album out there from this year.

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… and that concludes it! WHOO! That took forever to write. I hope you agree with my choices, and don’t whine if you didn’t! There’ll be another next year – assuming I’m still here!

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Categories: Uncategorized
  1. December 3, 2009 at 4:31 AM

    2 reasons why you are now my favorite. 1) Duh, I don’t need to tell you and 2) This line right here, “when Dani says something about a seismic breach, the word ‘breach’ sounds like he threw up while saying it. That made my mom tell me to put on headphones on more than one occasion.”

    I love the way you write – even if you are a little foul-mouthed punk. 😉

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